trOy gregOry and the StepSiSterS

welcome you to the world of wonder's basement

keep hands and feet in ride at all times - for your safety

do not taunt the pirahna

ban the bomb

 

In Depth Interview with Troy Gregory the Hideous Puppet at babysue - click it here y'all

 

 

Wikipedia Entry 6666666

Troy Gregory ( 1966 - 2006 ) Detroit Michigan. Musician, poet, artiste', witch, joker. World famous paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic that was passable in drag and carried several sharp knives. He faded away from this mortal coil by setting himself on fire one lousy christmas because the voices demanded so.
His sleet n slush funeral was attended by a eccentric variety of animals, sea creatures, birds and toys. The casket was shot into space and the earth was saved, but not for long. Fugly rumors of a resurrection and lunatic sightings of IT around the entire Metro Detroit area are wildly exaggerated but are not to be taken sweetly.
The most recent sighting of IT was at the Bali Motel at 8 Mile and Dequindere , arm and arm with the Nain Rouge shit faced plowed drunk in a duet of Which Way You Going Billy? That very evening it rained piss, vinegar and Yoo-Hoo all over poor poor Michigan. Be cool and beware. Keep away. Really.

 

 

 

Don't you see ? that much has been written about this great entertainer ... but most of it ghastly lies and even bullshit. Don't you believe the indie music press for a minute, don't believe frickin Wikipedia or the bathroom wall . we have all the natural facts and useless information on this human- thing- a -ma creep for sure .... read on, I dare you ....

 

 

TROY GREGORY was born by mistake in Detroit to a Romanian traveling parking lot carnival family, Troy could read the Tarot before he even knew the alphabet . By the age of 7 he was running the shoot the water pistol in the clown mouth booth all by himself and totally sober. His first instrument was a pillbox of sand that had been stolen for him by his fictitious aunties. Obviously born with a gift and the curse of weird talent, it wasn't long before he won first chair in the ensemble that backed up Stella The Jungle Witch in many of her topless, bottomless , eyeless ping pong ball and candle revues. By this time Troy had changed his instrument to an Aquarium N' A Swivel Straw and picked up extra work as Stella's seeing eye dog. This dream gig was however short lived when Troy was ratted on to the truants by a jealous husband that caught Troy biting his wife's wrist . The truant officer reportedly beat Troy with a golf club causing severe brain damage that Troy would never recover from thus making him retarded as all fuck. He had been home schooled by puppets until the age of 12 when he was forced upon the Warren Consolidated School System which turned him into a vicious hateful paranoid whose only consolation was contact with some semi-friendly ghosts. At 16 he jogged away from home and moved his ass to Hollywood to become a deadly vigilante but instead ended up being cast in the role of the lovable young crack dealer Mice Termite on televisions ill fated 21 Jump Street. Reportedly on the set ,Troy tried his best to avoid co- star Johnny Depp because of the Depps very bad rotten onion subway urine type breath. He left that show with a middle finger when he was asked to star in the broadway musical of Salo by Pasolini. He moved his junk to New York New York but his dreams were quickly n cruelly demolished when he was informed that he was only "asked" about the gig , no one said he actually had the job. Penniless and disturbed he became a street healer for hookers until his arrest for fraud put his wicked sass mouth back to Detroit where he would seethe and plot to learn freakin banjo the right way this time.The frazzled miserable shadow of himself was hosed back into the real world to eat or be eaten. Not feeling very hungry or tasty he landed himself a job in the basement of the Histville USA Motown house standing guard over John Dillingers pickled member. At home ( a renovated chicken coop under dust ) his dementia grew to macabre proportions and his list of invisible friends grew in size to sell out Cobo Arena 3 nights in a row. It was then he started dressing as a woman and demanded to be called Jade and spoke in a fake english accent and told everyone that he was Mick Jaggers daughter ( Mick Jagger the spray, not to be confused with the rock and roll act ). Alarmingly addicted to Razzles and Towne Club he plunged himself hellishly into the abyss as it glared back at him a mirror of unpredictable truth and scarred beauty. Showbiz came a-knocking but the door was never opened and remained curiously locked. Until one day whilst setting fireworks off at dawn ....

the mind poisoned sleepy-time Troy was then approached by the infamous talent scout Colonel Tom Mustard who was rumored to have murdered a man with a candlestick in a billiard room. The Colonel scored Troy a headline spot at the legendary Copacabana , a gig that without hesitation Troy totally botched by pulling down his pants onstage, trying to tear off his penis with a salad spinner. It was difficult for even The Colonel to get Troy work after that incident , he had no choice but to burn Troys contract and dump his body in a swamp. Miraculously Troy survived on his own blood and semen and a crate of Mars bars that suspiciously fell from the sky. He remained in the swamp for inspiration and it was then that he wrote his masterwork rock opera "Pig In A Blanket ". Knowing that it would be impossible to teach this grandiose piece of music to humans , Troy hired three kittens and a few sticks of city chicken to be his backing band. The amount of catnip indulged at these sessions was dangerously out of control , forcing Troy to finish the album himself while his unraveling band cutely played with yarn. No one knows who ate the city chicken , but the horror of three cleaned off sticks found in the studio toilet haunted this recording so much that the music press regarded this work as pure evil and decidedly silently ignored it. Unappreciated, Broke and Scorned were hired on as Troys new entertainment lawyers , a galaxy of muscle and mafia that were able to help Troy sue every Detroit band since 1966. Troy won the chaotic court battle and every Detroit band had to give him a nickel ( most of this chunk of change has yet to have been collected ). With a new positive attitude and a cantankerous machine backing his every whim , he moved into a live volcano for three weeks with a 4 track and a few bottles of Early Times that were on sale dirt cheap. The cheerful solitude was interrupted by crazed fans that discovered his hideout and kidnapped him. Guarded by spitting cobras he was forced to play bass solos every hour on the hour until his ass bled. This would have been it for our hero if it were not for a little who girl named Cindy Lou Who that felt pity for Troy and helped him escape with a large living knife. Troy then murdered his fans and gave Cindy Lou Who a lift back to Whoville on the back of his Banta. It was there that he discovered the true meaning of Christmas for about 5 minutes before an all night Whippets binge destroyed forever those brain cells that held such precious information. Wrongfully kicked out of Whoville for arson , he returned whimpering with his tail between his legs back to Detroit to pick up the scattered shattered incomplete pieces of his puzzled existence. Sewn up in maudlin misery he retreated into his empty head and blackened heart. A deserted shell of vacant bliss became his biological monastery for those faithless years of innocuous unrest. He shunned his friends, the entire human population of planet earth and a handful of sea creatures. Branded in nihilism and tagged in Bagism , the pickled performer vowed to destroy the very stars in space including the earths sun for shining on his crippled logic. It seemed that happiness and personal dignity had exited his function beyond grasp. But this was only the beginning of his daft struggle, for atonement was fixing to lunge upon his sorry hide without a mash of forgiveness in the form of an angel named Laurabelle. A grand master of putt putt golf and hands down the greatest maker of borsch ever, Laurabelle was raised in a hot air balloon by feral parents. She dropped out of her home as a feisty teenager and landed on creepy Boblo Island. It was there that she honed her compassion for misfit toys and other nitwits. By the time she had met Troy , she achieved a wisdom of sorts usually reserved for only the wind. Although their first conversation never went beyond Laurabelle reminding Troy that " my eyes are up here" , they soon hit it off with a shared fondness for Dodge Em cars and soap. She dusted off his frazzled spirit with some serious Pledge and encouraged him to learn and play the Stylophone like a muthafucka.
With her love and support , this crinkled geezer stepped back up to bat with new found enthusiasm. He had risen from the pond and for the first time in his life stopped carrying weapons. Life offered new and unique challenges for Troy, and the enchanted Laurabelle implemented limitless gumption and moxy to his terrestrial loitering that made Yoko pale in comparison. But this was only the beginning , for outside the gate was .....

A horrendous battle between the brown and green Gargantuas , no sorry that was a lie. For outside the gate was Mr. Postman , the very person that Troy had been begging please please to see if there was something in his bag for him. And Lo Behold it was a invitation to appear at the Pontiac Silverdome to play jaw harp for Ted Nugent. It was a great offer for a man down on his luck, luckily Laurabelle amended the contract Troy was ready to sign so he would get paid in real money instead of the previously offered life time supply of Biltong. Troy jammed every day, jammed every night, practiced till he knew how to lick but soon found himself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not knowing the meaning of quit , as well as being crazy and liking it , he got himself an overdose of rock n roll - ho and ended up at the city pool clinic. With no insurance and now no gig ( note : that Uncle Ted said in a interview with over 40 + Mag that he would have fired Troy anyway because he felt Troy was a quote " Fagula" ) this may have been one of those there bad things yet fortunately the fortunes of the fates were eavesdropping and figured that even though Troy is a glorified monkey/alien hybrid that perhaps he had been kicked in the teeth on Xmas a bit too many times and perhaps they should throw him a bone. And thats just what happened when the bone of a Ox clocked Troy on the head when he was waiting at the clinic for his shots of Hemlock. The bone belonged to the famous organic drummer Dreary Diary formerly of the calypso grindcore string ensemble Queen Rat Rhoda and The Lovers Spat Split Spit. Dreary was known for using only skin and bone for a drumset and also for having a nasty drug addiction to CHEESE ( the drug not the dairy ). While getting his plasma changed and his DNA warbled , he was practicing twirling his bone sticks hence the clock to the noggin of the nodding out TG. Freaked out that he gave him brain damage , Dreary was relieved to find out the the brain damage was there years before him. Still he felt very bad and without even knowing that Troy was a musician, he asked him to form a new band with him. Troy was asked to play HEAD , he would sit on a stool or bean bag and Dreary would pound on it with the ox bone since he loved the sound of his skull so much. The dynamic duo was short lived though after Troy developed a concussion and died a quarter of the way through the first rehearsal. Brought back to life by the Devil , he suggested to Dreary that perhaps it would be healthier for him to play another instrument. Dreary agreed and the aggressive yet melodic way that Troy had mastered the bike horn kicked fuckin ass. Before even having out a proper cassingle they toured extensively opening for the mexican power trio Rush. Shocking gossip of the debauchery of that tour lives in legend , especially the grueling story of the hapless Mudhen. Tour shenanigans ensued when Troy N Dreary replaced Neil Pearts drumset with a telephone book and putting some serious epoxy on those taurus pedals. Rush would play with the monkey shining as well, often spiking Troys Faygo with heavy doses of lysergic acid and nailing them to the hotel beds in mock crucifixion. It was all in fun though and it was this sort of hi-jinx that made the road fun and somewhat bearable for Troy to be so far away from his beloved Laurabelle. He started to finally figure out that life was far too fleeting and that he most likely had more time behind him than ahead and needed to be able to share the wondrous world in tandem with his true love. Dreary wasn't too upset when Troy quit , he only pulled the gun out and put it in Troys mouth , he didn't pull the trigger thanks to his losing battle with narcolepsy. Another day was survived despite the crucial practice schedule Troy prepared for himself to learn how to play scissors by juggling them trapped in a cave for the natural reverb of god. Laurabelle reminded him of how impractical that instrument would be to tour with, but the stubborn Troy continued on yet another vain obsession stumbling towards the uncertainties of persistence. Like Charlie Brown with the football , his card is fool with the world upside down to the left of the hanged man ...

 

I am alive in oh so many ways. My voice is fire and my eyes the world. My songs will die with you. Sunshine and despair shovel no love upon my shadow grave. Shallow and callously aimless I stalk the night for victims. Every morning I should have a good breakfast cuz it's most important meal of the day.

 

 

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